Saturday, November 13, 2010

I dreamt myself of killing a friend a few days ago (can't recall who).

Sounds pretty lame like that but it was so real (especially the dilemma at the back), I woke up 2 hours late just to complete the dream. The freaky part wasn't the graphics, it was more of the internal conflict in me. And primary school composition conclusions never seemed that real.. "I was relieved it was all a dream". HAHA.

-----------------

We were taking turns to kill each other with a gun and I shot my first friend who volunteered herself. Thought it'd be fine to kill since I was gonna die anyway. The bullet went through her heart while she was sitting and leaning by the pillar, her head tilted to one side when she stopped breathing, her blouse soaked in blood.

So we shot the first two in the toilet when this random bespectacled girl walked in with an ashen face. I calmly explained that we're merely rehearsing for a school play and that the blood was fake. I remember giving my friend the "yessss" signal when she went into the cubicle.

So we went around the school looking for a great spot to kill each other and found this huge toilet near the canteen with strange music playing near the vents. There was a rattlesnake and the third friend screamed "omg snakkeeee I don't want to die I don't want to dieeee!" (I guess getting shot by a gun beats being bitten to death by a snake)

We ran out of that place as fast as we could, just to find one of our teachers dragging out one of the dead bodies.

Well too bad that was fake. Feigned murder. We previously got a friend (I can remember his face, he was my senior back in secondary school) to pretend to be dead and the moment they dragged him out in the open he sprung up and went "SURPRISE YOU GOT TRICKED!!". Come to think of it that was pretty lame...

----

Somehow that teacher had a suspicious look on her face and I got really freaked all of a sudden. Well, we're all gonna die anyway so it'd be fine, I told myself repeatedly. But scenes of my family members crying over the newspapers with the headlines "group of girls kills each other for fun in school" entered my head.

I fought hard to push those images aside but I felt their pain at that moment. Losing a loved one over her childish acts? I don't want them to suffer that way. I love them too much.

There were racing thoughts in my mind then. I should live on, for the sake of my family.. yes.. but that'll only mean getting caught and put to jail, with a beautifully ruined future. What's the value of life behind bars? My family would be equally heartbroken and with a black mark, there wouldn't be a place for me in society in the future. But I'm sure that'd still be better than having a dead daughter.


Living a life of pain just for the ones you love or painless escape with a simple pull of the trigger? The reason why I struggled with my decision was because I loved them too much. I don't think I've ever felt myself love anybody that much before.

I remained silent while the rest were still looking for a perfect spot to die.. why had I volunteered to make the first pull of the trigger? If I hadn't done so, I could've backed out of everything without leaving a print on my life.

... so it went on till I woke up, EXTREMELY relieved of course.

-----------------------------------------------

I've failed to capture the emotions I had in my dream. FAIL. It was just extremely scary and guilt can really kill you. Hardest decision I've ever made (okay attempted to make) so far.

I read that dreams of murder can mean one is about to get rid of certain habits once and for all and.. I've noticed some changes in me. Don't know if it's just my imagination or it's real. All I know is this dream was pretty darn amazing.

Two years ago, I dreamt of someone I know cutting bodies into pieces (they looked like embryos) and dumping each individual part into dustbins along an entire row of bungalows after placing them in take-away containers. How gross. I woke up in the middle of the night that time, thoroughly freaked and retreated to the comfort of the wall.


I am so freaky. Try looking "dreams of murder" on google though, some people dream of these on a weekly basis and they're far more scary than mine. Well, they say things you dream of don't usually come true and I honestly do not have any murderous intent. But I don't understand why I feel entirely fine letting the whole world see my freaky side.

I am so freaky it scares me sometimes... nah not really those psychopaths in shows are worse. Gonna watch Ao no Hono after A's!

No comments: